10 Things I Don't Understand About Americans

1. Lying

Lying is weird in America. It used to be a HUGE problem for you until Richard Nixon came into office. Perversely, now its okay to lie given the following 2 circumstances:

A. You never admit you were wrong in the first place.
B. You are rich and/or powerful.

2. War

War is weird also in America. They teach you war is a last option and that war is fundamentally wrong. But then they do it all the time. And there doesn't really have to be a reason. If a butterfly sneezes in China, we can invade Mexico. Get it? Neither did Central America, Yugoslavia, or Iraq. Hopefully North Korea and the rest of the Middle East will get it soon. Not to mention Mexico.

3. Food

Smorgasbord may be a Swedish word, and buffet may be a (gasp) French word but America has put its own spin on the "all-you-can-eat" special. You see them everywhere. Let me put it this way... people should not eat "all-they-can-eat" for many reasons. And especially not more than once a week. Why not? Let me count the reasons: constipation, smelly farts, becoming fat, need I go on? Eating, while very entertaining, should not be a sense of comfort. Get some Valium or some wine for chrissakes.

4. Gay Bashing

A hole is a hole. An orgasm is an orgasm. Gay people are gay from birth (or else they are fat, bald, ugly men who can't find a woman). In either case they are just like straight people and deserve all the same rights. Think gay people never died in a war (a real war) to protect your rights? Think again. George Washington actually crossed the Delaware to get with his blond haired page. And then he forgot to tip him so he threw a quarter across it. And even when Georgie was a boy he chopped down the cherry tree to fight his castration anxiety from an abusive father. And he made dressing in a wig and velvet suits fashionable again... oh hell.

5. Superiority Complex

One of my favorite lines from any movie is Chris Rocks's Head of State when the president says "God Bless America and no place else." This is a dig at Bush and the neocons. America is up its own ass. It has never been anything more than a bunch of hicks dragging themselves along by clutching at the heels of the entrepreneurial and intellectual minority. If that makes me sound like a twat then I apologize butt I feel its true. Otherwise all America would be like Arkansas.

6. Pop Culture

Popular culture in America seems an wholehearted attempt to be as vapid and superficial as possible. Any redeeming or human qualities are instantly noxious to the formula. Brittany Spears, Puff Daddy, Christina, and all the others you are no better than mental prostitutes walking the streets looking to spread VD to our children.

7. Hicks

These people live in the woods, fuck their sisters, love Jesus, drink Busch, vote Bush, and watch NASCAR. Who needs 'em? We should have let them secede from the union back in the 1800's. The Kerry would be President and they would be fighting Iraq with tractors and pitch forks.

8. Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms

Okay in America there is an agency called the ATF and god knows what they actually do besides shoot people in the ass while they drink Budweiser and smoke cigars. In America you have to be 21 to drink. Why? It's the only country in the world that does this. Cigarettes can kill you but you should be all you can be and join the Army. Go figure. I'll stick to cigarettes and alcohol, thank you. You can keep the firearms.

9. 2.1 Million in Jail

America has the highest incarceration rate in the world. Higher than China. Higher than Russia. Higher than anywhere. There are 35,000 murders a year. There are more black males in prison than in college. And it's not getting better. It's getting worse.

10. Intellectual is a Bad Word

Presidents and other politicians lose races not because they are less intelligent but because they are more intelligent. We learn in Philosophy that knowledge can stop the decision process, but when lives are on the line, maybe its okay to stop and think a little bit. What's lost on the current administration is that just because one CAN do something doesn't necessarily mean on SHOULD do it. Clinton had to pretend to be a bubba to become President. Then it turned out he was a black man. This is the equivalent of Einstein pretending to have Down Syndrome to get into Junior College.

BONUS NON-UNDERSTANDING

11. Religion

The Bible is a stupid, evil, book full of bad stories. For a country that prides itself on the separation of Church and State, why do politicians have to mention God in every speech? Because the masses will vote for the religious man over the atheist every time. There is some popular myth that the atheist cannot make moral decisions. Why then does the opposite almost always happen?