Sweden Memes

More Swedish memes here but they are not as funny as this one

Swedish Joke (From a Finn)

Okay I promise some good pics from France soon. In the meantime here is a (very bad) Swedish joke submitted from a Finnish reader:

A Swede was walking down the street with a duck under his arm.

- "Where did you find that monkey?" asked the fellow pedestrian.

- "Monkey? It happens to be a duck." claimed the Swede.

- "Shut up, Swede! I am talking to the duck."

Swedes In Space

No, it's not the new Muppet movie, it's the news.

As if we didn't have enough of them on Earth, there are now for the first time swedes in outer space.

While this is not the least bit newsworthy outside Sweden, here it is like the biggest news of the year. The lucky guy is Christer Fuglesang, who has been telling everyone he was going into space for the past 16 years. So much so that it became kind of a national media joke.

Like every astronaut accomplishing a first, he got to make a speech. Fuglesang was quoted as saying: "Det är nog inte alla som förstår svenska...de senaste fyra dagarna har varit helt otroliga. Jag vill tacka alla som hjälpt och stöttat."

For those of you who don't speak Swedish, that translates into: "It's rough up here. Space was not really made for Swedes. I went outside on a space walk and I couldn't find a single lingonberry or mushroom growing anywhere."

Lou Reed on Sweden

I'm scared in my own apartment. I'm scared 24 hours a day. But not necessarily in New York. I actually feel pretty comfortable in New York. I get scared like in Sweden. You know, it's ... kind of empty, they're all drunk. Everything works. You know, if you stop at a stop light and don't turn your engine off, people come over and talk to you about it. You go to the medicine cabinet and open it up and there will be a little poster saying: "In case of suicide - call..." You turn on the TV, there's an ear operation. These things scare me. New York? No."

- Lou Reed, "Blue in the Face"

Another Swedish Joke

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

Totally Fukt

Lovely Francis at 1000 Swedish Lessons probably already covered this one but...

the Swedish word for damp is 'fukt'.

It's been cold and rainy this August. I want to go back to Italy.

Swedish weather is so fukt... almost as fukt as London's weather.

Sometimes the truth is funnier than fiction.

All it takes to get 'fukt' in Sweden is to stand outside sometimes.

I know it's not that funny but I am drunk tonight.

The Swedish Penis Enlarger

Guard: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.

Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine.

Guard: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.

Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby that's not mine.

Guard: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.

Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.

Guard: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby," by Austin Powers.

Meet Jerker. No Really. It's Jerker.

Jerker is a common first name in Sweden. Here is a picture of a Swede named Jerker I got off the Internet. Looks a bit like a Jerker, doesn't he?

I found out about the name during a meeting with someone else named Jerker last week. Needless to say, people named Jerker will probably never get a job in the USA outside the porn industry. And then there is the question: do people call him Jerk for short? That's not much better.

For those of you who don't know American English... the closest translation of Jerker into British English would be 'Wanker'.

All of our names probably mean something funny in another language. Somebody should compile a database. I googled for one but it doesn't seem to exist. I wish I had some free time beause that would be a million dollar idea. Any investors out there wanna go in with me? A database of stupid names could be the next YouTube... and we already have our first entry.

On a side note, I did find out that IKEA (surprise surprise) makes a computer desk called a Jerker... which is probably appropriate as well for some of us. Apparently though it doesn't do the work for you. You still have to jerk it yourself.

Sweden Wins, Is Not Impotent After All

Sweden was playing well but not scoring. That ended Thursday night around 11:00pm and people here have been smiling and singing every since.

Bowling Blogging is Funny

I have been at work for a few months now as an web consultant in downtown Stockholm. Basically they need a webmaster guru to build a gambling website as quickly as possible and that is me. I am being paid pretty well for this and it is both fun and challenging. It's about $75 per hour and I can work 40 plus hours so it's pretty great... because otherwise if I were at home I would basically be doing the same thing for a fourth of that.

One of the perks of this place is that everyone works with headphones on and there is a whole i-Tunes network full of free music. Everything from Jose Gonzales (the strangely named Swede) to Kaiser Chiefs to AC/DC. I admit that coding goes rather well with harder music, so I have been listening to a lot more Metallica and Rage Against the Machine than I normally would. Heavy metal is really funny. It's like a a grown man with the IQ and taste of a 13 year old from rural Ohio. And I don't mean 'funny' in the way that most Swedes use the word, such as:

"Bowling is funny."

"Why?"

"Because I like it."

"No, bowling shoes are funny. Bowling is fun," I say.

"What?" they say.

The Long Awaited (Not) Danish Joke

Okay here is the long awaited Danish joke. This one goes to out to our somewhat talentless Danish cartoonist friend Kurt Westergaard. Enjoy:

Som det seneste har man nu fundet ud af, at dybe indåndinger dræber alle bakterier!
Man mangler nu kun at finde ud af, hvordan man får bakterierne til at foretage dybe indåndinger...

To bakterier møder hinanden på strøget:
- Jeg har ikke set dig i lang tid; hvor har du været?
- Jeg har haft penicillin...

Hahahahaha.

Actually I don't get it... something about bacteria. Those Danes just never know when to stop. First they make fun of muslims, now bacteria.

More Incomprehensible Scandinavian Humor

Okay that last post was supposed to be a joke about Danes. I pulled a fast one by inserting a joke about Swedes instead. I apologize. It's just that I find Swedish jokes to be way funnier than Danish jokes.

There are some real surprises about Swedish jokes. It's a mystery to me how more of them do not contain references to big tits, moose or snow in them. Swedes have great tits, talk about moose like they are some kinf of magical creatures like unicorns, and it's been snowing now since October. I imagine there's some good material there.

Instead Swedish jokes seem to poke fun at Finnish people (easy target) and other Scandinavians (almost as easy target). Perhaps we should explore this area further and do like an ontological study of Swedish humor? Javisst.

Here is my imromptu Swedish joke blueprint:

"As I look out the window I see the gentle flakes drifting downwards through my Saturday morning hangover gaze and I have a vision of Spring and the fall harvest. With it staying light to almost 4:00 PM it's only a matter of time before the thermometer climbs up above zero and turns the whole country into a Dirty Blonde Slushy. Reveling in this idyll, a moose comes along and takes a dump on my lawn and I swear at once in Swedish and make a brilliant semantic pun on the tribulations of living so close to the polar circle."

Ha ha!

Okay, impromptu humor architect I definitely am not... and I am in good company here.

Danish Joke

A Swede was drinking in a bar on a Friday night in Copenhaagen when a Danish business colleague suggested to him:

- "I'll give you 20 euros if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head."

The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, mainly because of the peer pressure. The Dane smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.

- "So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede, bracing himself for the final blow.

- "Foolish Swede," the Dane replied, "then I would have to give you that 20 euros."

Blondness is Wasted on the Swedes

Surveys show that Swedes prefer their mates dark. That's good news for Africans, Spanish, Greeks, and Arabs everywhere. Okay maybe not for the Arabs.

God Jul!

So what is special about Christmas in Sweden besides of course that this is the land of snow and reindeer?

First and perhaps best, there is no multiculturalism to spoil the fun. No Happy Holidays, Kwanzaa, Hanukah, or baby Jesus crap; just guilt-free food and drinks. In Sweden Christmas is called "Jul" which has the same root as out English word "Yule" which refers to an old pagan midwinter feast. In short, Swedes recognize that Christians holiday-jacked an old pagan feast, they did not invent it.

One of the more savory traditions is the julbord, or "Christmas table". Swedes are always going on about their "tables", and perhaps the most used Swedish word in English also comes from this word, smorgasbord, which mean literally "open-faced sandwich table".

What is on a julbord? Just about everything, really. Normally the meal begins with a shot of snaps (spiced vodka) and some jul öl (Christmas beer) and cold herring in a creamy flavored sauce with warm potatoes. Some of the flavors for the herring sauce are quite creative and include mustard, garlic, wine, and even curry. Along with this one has delicious gravad lax (specially prepared raw salmon with sauce), caviar, hard boiled eggs, lunch meats, and crispy bread.

Oh yeah, and of course more snaps and beer. The way snaps is traditionally drunk in Sweden is in little shot glasses. Everyone downs the first one in one gulp. The next time everyone drinks half and then half again. Then it's a third. And by then almost everyone is buzzed and people go at their own pace. Technically snaps is between 70 and 85 proof, and it provides a much needed kick when too many relatives gather in one place.

After the 'appetizer' most people are already drunk and full. But then comes the main meal, a combination of as many meats as can be fit on the table including any combination of ham, beef, ribs, reindeer, and even occasionally bear. Then there is more snaps and beer and maybe a little wine if one is feeling sophisticated. For starch there is a the ever present potato dishes, red beets and other traditional dishes which every Swede could identify but certainly not I at this early stage of my Swedification.

After dinner Swedes have coffee and cakes and then perhaps a little stroll outside in the wintry sub-zeros the help the digestion process. After that it's glögg (spicy red wine with raisins and almonds) by the fire and a lot of bad singing.



Now for the real question... does Sweden have a Santa Claus? You betcha. Jul Tomten, or the "Christmas Troll", makes an appearance after dinner on Christmas Eve and hands out the presents to everyone. Normally an older male member of the family will dress up and actually do this, regardless if there are kids around or not. Christmas is a special time in Sweden where even the normally frugal (due to insanely high taxes) Swedes give generously to everyone.

In short, if you pick a day to be in Sweden, Christmas is not a bad day at all to do it. But don't be late, as the Swedes celebrate the eve of holidays, not the holidays themselves. Why? Think of all the extra days off work.

All I want for Christmas...

All I want for Christmas is a pint of Bailey's and a bunch of Swedish girls with candles on their head to serenade me while I drink it. Oh yeah, and a trip to Thailand sometime in February would be nice.

WTF Revisited

I had another job interview yesterday. It was for a consultant position as an English teacher. Seems pretty mellow... it pays SEK 400 (US $60) per hour to teach Business and IT English. So it's right up my alley.

I don't know if you remember... but the last time I applied for a job like this I didn't get the position because the interviewer thought I was OVERQUALIFIED and would STEAL THE CLIENTS. The woman was an idiot, but in Sweden being overqualified is still generally a reason not to hire someone. Swedes have an instinctual feeling for social harmony.

In the USA I think we try to get the best people we can. I haven't heard of an applicant being overqualified since Dustin Hoffman in Kramer vs. Kramer. And that was a movie. And even he got the job after he explained the circumstances. In America if you can get a bargain because the labor market sucks you take it.

Well this is Sweden not America so I knew how to play the game this time. I dressed nice for the interview, smiled, and acted pretty unambitious. By the end of the interview I was asked, "So when can you start?"

Sheeple of the world, unite. A career in Sweden awaits thee.

Swedish Beer: Åbro Original

Many people, including my lovely Linda, often say to people that Spendrups or Pripps is the archetypical Swedish beer. I beg to differ. For me it's Åbro.

Why? Well, it's 5.2 percent, it's drinkable, and it's got a rather sweet malty taste that begs the question... can I have another?

I remember before even coming to Stockholm I was trapped in London watching an Eminemn DVD (okay I admit it I am a closet Eminem fan, shame on me, etc.) and he was doing a skit about a concert they had done in Stockholm where he pronounced the beer, "Eh, bro". So it was like,

Eminem: "Eh, bro."
D12: "What?"
Eminem: "No it's the name of the beer, Åbro!"

But Linda who is sometimes a poopy pants when it comes to making fun of the Swedish language and people was quick to but in that that he had bungled the pronunciation and that it should be pronounced "O-ah-bro" not "AY-bro".

Oh well. However you pronounce it, it's still better than sobriety.

The Swedish Welfare State

Warning: Second Educational Post in a Row

The typical Swede (Sven Medelsvensson) of today is almost an entirely different species than his ancestor Erik The Viking.

In the past, Erik and his hairy mates would drink grog and cohort for months until running out of money. Then they would jump in a boat, travel to Poland, the Baltic States, The British Isles, or France and proceed to rape and pillage the shit out them until it was time to come home and drink some more.

Today the typical Swede works a white-collar job, lives unmarried with his partner, has kids, and has a house or apartment of his own. He has traveled all over the world, speaks good English and perhaps another language (such as Spanish), and enjoys boating and other outdoor activities. He still drinks but only on weekends and no foreigners usually get hurt.

But that was all very recently. Sweden was of course heavily influenced in the Middle Ages by its teutonic neighbor to the South, Germany, Sweden's largest trading partner for hundreds of years until after WW2 (today its the USA). As late as 100 years ago, Swedes were notorious for beating their children, drinking enough vodka to make a Russian blush, going to war at every opportunity, starving to death due to bad politics, and being so Christian as to make unmarried women and their children enter a special door in the church. And due to Sweden's homogeneous racial profile, it tended to land on the xenophobic side of the fence.

How xenophobic was Sweden? Only Nazi Germany had a larger per capita Eugenics program than Sweden. Sweden sterilized people up until 1970. As late as the 1950's they did this for even trivial reasons: such as belonging to a motorcycle gang, being an unclean race, being retarded, being an unfit parent, etc.

But how did this transformation happen? And why is it unthinkable for it to happen again? Why do typical Swedish children pick flowers and berries while English kids are throwing rocks and American kids are shooting each other with semi-automatic weapons? My theory is the twin blessings of the death of organized religion (intellectual enlightenment) and the rise of the social welfare state which came with Sweden's growing wealth after WW2.

Sweden made BANK during and after World War 2 by supplying Hitler with raw materials for his war machine in exchange for being left alone. And after World War 2, while the rest of Europe was decimated, Sweden was booming with a trained workforce and an intact manufacturing base.

So wealth is almost certainly one of the reasons. But I would not discount the death of organized religion as a contributing factor. In Sweden, going to church is seen as the intellectual equivalent of losing a war to Poland. Swedes (and me) share a mix of embarrassment and horror when politicians in America use the G word in speeches and Presidents like Reagan and GW Bush mention publicly that they talk to God.

What are the benefits of living in a country like Sweden? It is against the law to beat children, jobs are so cush you get a month off per year and get this... you get paid MORE FOR VACATION TIME than you do when you are working (I'd like to see someone suggest that in the States) and wait, there's more... socialized medicine, free higher education, permanent unemployment benefits, and more.

Despite its industrial base, Sweden ranks amongst the best countries in terms of clean air, water, and recycling. Rumor has it you can drink out of Lake Mälaren that encircles Stockholm. I've swallowed water swimming in that lake but I personally wouldn't want to drink it on purpose. That being said... the rest of the world could learn alot from studying this place.

Just remember to separate the green bottles from the clear bottles or they might revert and cut your nuts off.