Thursday, August 24, 2006

Totally Fukt

Lovely Francis at 1000 Swedish Lessons probably already covered this one but...

the Swedish word for damp is 'fukt'.

It's been cold and rainy this August. I want to go back to Italy.

Swedish weather is so fukt... almost as fukt as London's weather.

Sometimes the truth is funnier than fiction.

All it takes to get 'fukt' in Sweden is to stand outside sometimes.

I know it's not that funny but I am drunk tonight.

The Swedish Penis Enlarger

Guard: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.

Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine.

Guard: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.

Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby that's not mine.

Guard: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.

Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.

Guard: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby," by Austin Powers.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Floyd Landis -- A Cheater From My Home State?

I grew up in PA... a state that for its relatively large size has few redeeming qualities. True, it's no Missouri or Kansas, but it's not Tuscany either. People in PA seem a little stranger than most people. Not Wisconsin strange, mind you, but church-going, mousy hair, and 90's Billy Joel strange.

Then along came Floyd Landis. Yeah his look said Pennsylvania, but his heart said Xanadu. When the going got tough and he was embarrassed in a brutal mountain stage, losing improbable amounts of time and blowing his lifelong dream, Floyd fought back and did the impossible. He took off at the beginning of the race the next day and went on a spectacular solo ride that was unprecedented in the 100+ year history of the sport.

It wasn't the drugs... it was the Jack Daniels. Right Floyd?

Everyone knows there is synthetic testosterone in Jack Daniels. Right Floyd?

Those French bastards are just mad because Americans have won the tour so often and they haven't won in like 25 years. Right Floyd?

Ah gee. Say it ain't so, Floyd.

Well actually it really looks like you cheated now Floyd.

And there is something weird about you. That weird facial hair thing you got going on... like you are a Lancaster, PA Mennonite trying to look California Cool (or maybe at least Arizona minor league baseball cool).

And those awful press shots that kept coming every day. I won't tell you that I used to chase poor Ingrid around the house with pictures of you screaming "Kiss me, I love you, I'm Floyd Landis and I love you."

And now instead of the best bike racer in the world... you are now Floyd the Unemployed.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Ask Swedish Sloth - How To Make Fil Milk?

Dear Swedish Sloth,

Can you please tell me what the measurements are for making your own filmjolk. I have a 1 litre carton and would love to make it last.



Dear Magnus,

Thanks for asking Swedish Sloth!

Normally to make more fil milk, you would just put a little of the old fil milk in a bowl, add fresh milk to it, put a towel over it to keep out light (and flies), and then let it sit overnight. Poof alla kazaam! You have a fresh batch of fil milk the next morning for your meusli.

This recipe has worked for our cute little Swedish friends for countless millennia. However a couple hundred years ago some French bastard named Louis invented pasteurization. And nowadays for safety reasons it's hard to get un-pasteurized milk. And this little recipe works best with un-pasteurized milk. But despair not young filmjolk Padawan, for despair leads to fear... and fear leads to anger.

You simply add a little Lactococcus and Leuconostoc bacteria. Make sure you don't add the wrong kind of bacteria though, or you will probably die. May the force be with you.

For more information see the Wikipedia article

- Swedish Sloth

To ask a question to Swedish Sloth, please use the Comments Section below or simply email