Saturday, February 18, 2006

The Long Awaited (Not) Danish Joke

Okay here is the long awaited Danish joke. This one goes to out to our somewhat talentless Danish cartoonist friend Kurt Westergaard. Enjoy:

Som det seneste har man nu fundet ud af, at dybe indåndinger dræber alle bakterier!
Man mangler nu kun at finde ud af, hvordan man får bakterierne til at foretage dybe indåndinger...

To bakterier møder hinanden på strøget:
- Jeg har ikke set dig i lang tid; hvor har du været?
- Jeg har haft penicillin...


Actually I don't get it... something about bacteria. Those Danes just never know when to stop. First they make fun of muslims, now bacteria.

More Incomprehensible Scandinavian Humor

Okay that last post was supposed to be a joke about Danes. I pulled a fast one by inserting a joke about Swedes instead. I apologize. It's just that I find Swedish jokes to be way funnier than Danish jokes.

There are some real surprises about Swedish jokes. It's a mystery to me how more of them do not contain references to big tits, moose or snow in them. Swedes have great tits, talk about moose like they are some kinf of magical creatures like unicorns, and it's been snowing now since October. I imagine there's some good material there.

Instead Swedish jokes seem to poke fun at Finnish people (easy target) and other Scandinavians (almost as easy target). Perhaps we should explore this area further and do like an ontological study of Swedish humor? Javisst.

Here is my imromptu Swedish joke blueprint:

"As I look out the window I see the gentle flakes drifting downwards through my Saturday morning hangover gaze and I have a vision of Spring and the fall harvest. With it staying light to almost 4:00 PM it's only a matter of time before the thermometer climbs up above zero and turns the whole country into a Dirty Blonde Slushy. Reveling in this idyll, a moose comes along and takes a dump on my lawn and I swear at once in Swedish and make a brilliant semantic pun on the tribulations of living so close to the polar circle."

Ha ha!

Okay, impromptu humor architect I definitely am not... and I am in good company here.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Danish Joke

A Swede was drinking in a bar on a Friday night in Copenhaagen when a Danish business colleague suggested to him:

- "I'll give you 20 euros if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head."

The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, mainly because of the peer pressure. The Dane smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.

- "So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede, bracing himself for the final blow.

- "Foolish Swede," the Dane replied, "then I would have to give you that 20 euros."

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Jesus is the Bomb

Well it was a busy week to be me. First off, the Seahawks lost to the Steelers in SuperBowl XL and I really didn't know who to root for because I am a Steeler by birth and a Seahawk by choice... but still a sloth by nature and so I passed out 1/2 hour before the game started. Congratulations, Seattle, I always knew you could get to the finals and then choke... again.

A week later it is still snowing and there is a 20 foot high pile outside my window. Maybe I will take a picture of me by it tomorrow. Maybe I'll just keep drinking. I am doing shots of Aquavit on a Sunday night and drinking 3.5 Carlsbergs wishing McCutcheon were here and we could go ice skating on pills. Weeeeeeeee.

The buzz in Sweden nowadays is still from the Danish cartoons and how the Swedes are afraid they will be guilty by association with the Danes for speaking their minds. The Swedes are not ANYTHING like the Danes. Danes are impulsive fighters. The Swedes are thinkers, and non-confrontational to a fault. I fit in perfectly here.

But the word on the street, if you stop to ask people, is that the Muslims can all take a long walk of a short fjord if you know what I mean. I feel the same way. Making fun of stuff that is silly is a human right.

I read an interesting op/ed piece with some help from Linda which asked the question: How weak is your God if he is threatened by a Danish cartoonist? Nothing hurts worse than the truth and the truth is that Allah is a bad joke played on some gullible people by some power-tripping male chauvenists 1400 years ago.

More enlightenment soon, I promise. In fact, let's make fun of the Danes. I am sure they have more of a sense of humor than some other people I could mention.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Blondness is Wasted on the Swedes

Surveys show that Swedes prefer their mates dark. That's good news for Africans, Spanish, Greeks, and Arabs everywhere. Okay maybe not for the Arabs.