Sunday, December 02, 2007

10 Tips For Dealing With Moose in Sweden

1. When you go to the store in Sweden, watch out for moose. They might steal your food. Moose eat a lot of food. And they don't have jobs. Therefore you know they must be thieves.

2. When you take money out of the Cashpoint, watch out that moose aren't looking over your shoulder and trying to read you pin code.

3. When you send your girlfriend home at night, make sure she has some moose mace so she doesn't get raped by a moose. Moose have really big sexual organs, and you wouldn't want to have to tell your friends and family that you have been replaced by a sexually aggressive moose.

4. Watch out for gangs of moose disguised as just one moose. There is no plural word for moose, so you can only tell by context if there is just one... or a whole mess of the buggers.

5. The Swedish Road Authority, Vägverket, claims that 40% of all accidents outside cities in Sweden are caused by collisions with moose. This is very suspicious, so be extra careful when driving with a moose and make sure you are both wearing a seatbelt.

6. Moose in Swedish are not called moose at all, but 'elg', which strangely rhymes with 'Nelly'. So watch out for Swedes named 'Nelly'. They could be moose in disguise.

7. British people often refer to moose as an elk. An elk is actually a completely different creature similar to a large deer and indigenous to North America. If you see a British person using the term elk incorrectly, politely correct them. They would know better if they had any moose (or elk) in Britain.

8. There are a lot of moose jokes on the Internet, but none of them are particularly funny. One can only assume that moose do not have a sense of humor.

9. When I was a lad traveling through Sweden I has pizza with moose meat on it in Sweden. This has never caught on throughout the rest of the world. If you are a moose and you see a pizza shop offering this type of pizza, run.

10. Moose meat does not "taste like chicken". It has a very gamey taste. This is very odd because meat you never tasted before is supposed to taste like chicken. Use extreme caution when tasting moose for the first time.

Bonus tip for Swedish Sloth readers:

Telling a moose to "stop bogarting that joint, my friend", has very little effect and might actually encourage them to finish it without sharing.

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