Swedish Doctors Can Take a Long Walk Off a Short Fjord

This is a big ass, and so is my Swedish doctor, whose name last name happens to be Wanky (which is not what I was in danger of doing after looking at this picture). I've been sick with an earache and after taking my 140 SEK he looks in my ear for 10 seconds and tells me there is nothing wrong with me. It gets worse so I go back and (after paying another 140 SEK) tell him half my head is numb and I can't close my mouth.

He tells me everything is okay and I don't need antibiotics. I protest and he asks me if I want anything for the pain. I say yes. I do not have a high tolerance for pain. I did spend my 20's on ecstasy and valium, after all. He gives me ear drops that make my head feel like a watermelon and the pain gets worse all week until I stop taking them.

If Herr Wanky ever needs his computer fixed I am gonna throw it down the stairs and tell him to send the bill to the estate of Olaf Palme for brainwashing Swedes into thinking socialism is a Good Thing (tm).

In conclusion, socialized medicine is only good if you can't afford capitalist medicine.

No Google, No Problem

Well some of you may know this already, but over the past month I've had seven interviews with Google (inlcuding three in London) about a position in the Stockholm area.

I found out today I did not get the job. I failed two of the seven interviews. They asked me low-level (read as hard and obscure) computer science and networking questions which I probably never would have encountered on the job anyway. It's okay though. I enjoy my work now, and am well paid. If they really think they can get someone better than me for the position than I say good luck. I obviously don't think they will of course. This person they are looking for does not exist.

FUCKERS!

No seriously I am not bitter. I will not move this blog off of Google servers, cancel my Gmail account, and drink myself to death in Brussels. Just a few beers in a sunny Grand Place cafe and a night eating mussels and hanging out with Linda. I am looking and feeling good for 36 I must say. And that's all that matters. There will be other dream jobs that will come in the next 10 years. I will read some old Computer Science books in the meantime so I will be more ready next time.

I will leave you with this thought:

"A bit of useless knowledge may not accomplish anything useful, but it will always impress a lot of useless people."

- Nobody Ever Said that I Just Made That Up

London Calling... Again

Well I am off to London this week for a job interview. The job is in Stockholm but the inteview is in Belgravia. If I get this job I will totally be happy as it is for one of the biggest and coolest Internet companies in the world.

The job will mean travel across Europe and that will be awesome.

Paid

Well, it took 3 months but I finally got my first paycheck from my new consulting gig at the big gambling company. My official title is "Senior Consultant" but I don't use that on my email .sig file. Not because it makes me sound pretentious but because it makes me sound old. I go with 'Web Developer'. That makes me sound younger and cooler like I used to be.

I am not well paid by senior consultant standards. After the preliminary round of self-employment taxes and bribes, I was left with almost 56,000 SEK for salary in the month of March. But that is still some pretty good moolah for Sweden. The average Swede makes about 20,000 SEK per month. The bad news is that this is Sweden and the government will take a big chunk of that in income tax and I will have about 40,000 SEK, which I will spend most of on publishing more of my books, video games, clothes, and traveling.

The past year was very spotty on the income front. Some months when I couldn't get clients I drank on credit cards, checks from Daddy Chocolatebucks and savings. I feel very lucky to be working in an English speaking company in one my favorite towns with cool young people.

But despite all the glee in my bank account, I must say a new sadness has arisen. It appears that happiness is the enemy of Art. Over the past 3 months I have nothing to complain about except allergies (the pollen count here sucks) and I have written nary a word on my blog, websites, novels, short stories, or other personal projects. Zero inspiration. I need some conflict in my life to spark my creativity. You know, take it out on somebody who deserves it. I need to get beat up by a communist or a Nazi or something.

Bush is too easy a target. Ditto Blair. But let's get them anyway. And Sweden. There is not nearly enough making fun of Swedes on this blog. Because the real enemy of the people is not politics but of course ennui. Thank Jesus only the poor and unenlightened are willing to die for their country...

Kids... Stay in School

As I sit taking a break from my job making new online gambling games I read an article about John Daly who has reportedly lost 60 million dollars playing slot machines. Wow. When I told people at work they couldn't believe that anyone could do that... slots are so boring and unsexy. Then I showed them a picture of him and they understood.

Michael Jordan, seemingly the winner of winners, has also lost millions gambling. What is the attraction?

People, if you are going to be addicted to something, don't make it sex, drugs, gambling, or food. Make it something healthy like demonstrating against the War in Iraq. The war was created by oil execs to raise oil prices. How many billionaires were created by this? Is it a coincidence that these are all Bush's friends? Even if it isn't, let's assume it is.

When supposedly educated democracies like The USA elect conservatives into office the effect is copied throughout the world. That's why we have a wave of conservatism spreading throughout the world. To lead the world... you have to be a leader. Westerners, you have to show the world that we are not would-be tyrants who only use democracy and freedom as a marketing tool to seize record profits and buy new yachts.

Oh yeah. And kids... stay in school. In fact, stay in school and study computer science. I could use some help over here.

They Don't Call Me Sloth For Nothing

Last week started out bad when I got notified that another part-time consulting job that I had long sought after had been canceled for no reason just before it was supposed to start.

This is the third time now that's happened in the past year. And for the third straight time I had already spent the first month's wages on frivelous things like food, clothing, and shelter before I found out. Shit.

I was so upset I couldn't even drink. I had sort of bottomed out. I was convinced God had it out for me. I ate like three tubs of ice cream wrapped in a blanket watching whole seasons of Will & Grace on DVD. Then I freaked out on the local supermarket staff because they had run out of peanut butter (I am the only American in the village). Why does everyone else I know have cushy jobs working with normal people and I always get the freaks and the dead ends?

When I feel that bad, it normally doesn't last that long. Once it lasted 3 years actually but that's another story.

And then on Tuesday I got called in for an interview for a dream coding job with a well-known gaming company. They didn't blink when I told them how much money I wanted per month. Things started happening fast. I interviewed on Wednesday and was informed I made the second cut and they had cut it down to eight people.

Then they gave us a test that we could do at home. They gave us a week to hand in the code and documentation. I started Friday night and I just handed it in 15 minutes ago, but still 3 days before it was due.

Now I am so nervous about the job I can't sleep at night and I can't stop drinking. Things are slowly getting back to normal.

WTF Revisited

I had another job interview yesterday. It was for a consultant position as an English teacher. Seems pretty mellow... it pays SEK 400 (US $60) per hour to teach Business and IT English. So it's right up my alley.

I don't know if you remember... but the last time I applied for a job like this I didn't get the position because the interviewer thought I was OVERQUALIFIED and would STEAL THE CLIENTS. The woman was an idiot, but in Sweden being overqualified is still generally a reason not to hire someone. Swedes have an instinctual feeling for social harmony.

In the USA I think we try to get the best people we can. I haven't heard of an applicant being overqualified since Dustin Hoffman in Kramer vs. Kramer. And that was a movie. And even he got the job after he explained the circumstances. In America if you can get a bargain because the labor market sucks you take it.

Well this is Sweden not America so I knew how to play the game this time. I dressed nice for the interview, smiled, and acted pretty unambitious. By the end of the interview I was asked, "So when can you start?"

Sheeple of the world, unite. A career in Sweden awaits thee.

The Swedish Welfare State

Warning: Second Educational Post in a Row

The typical Swede (Sven Medelsvensson) of today is almost an entirely different species than his ancestor Erik The Viking.

In the past, Erik and his hairy mates would drink grog and cohort for months until running out of money. Then they would jump in a boat, travel to Poland, the Baltic States, The British Isles, or France and proceed to rape and pillage the shit out them until it was time to come home and drink some more.

Today the typical Swede works a white-collar job, lives unmarried with his partner, has kids, and has a house or apartment of his own. He has traveled all over the world, speaks good English and perhaps another language (such as Spanish), and enjoys boating and other outdoor activities. He still drinks but only on weekends and no foreigners usually get hurt.

But that was all very recently. Sweden was of course heavily influenced in the Middle Ages by its teutonic neighbor to the South, Germany, Sweden's largest trading partner for hundreds of years until after WW2 (today its the USA). As late as 100 years ago, Swedes were notorious for beating their children, drinking enough vodka to make a Russian blush, going to war at every opportunity, starving to death due to bad politics, and being so Christian as to make unmarried women and their children enter a special door in the church. And due to Sweden's homogeneous racial profile, it tended to land on the xenophobic side of the fence.

How xenophobic was Sweden? Only Nazi Germany had a larger per capita Eugenics program than Sweden. Sweden sterilized people up until 1970. As late as the 1950's they did this for even trivial reasons: such as belonging to a motorcycle gang, being an unclean race, being retarded, being an unfit parent, etc.

But how did this transformation happen? And why is it unthinkable for it to happen again? Why do typical Swedish children pick flowers and berries while English kids are throwing rocks and American kids are shooting each other with semi-automatic weapons? My theory is the twin blessings of the death of organized religion (intellectual enlightenment) and the rise of the social welfare state which came with Sweden's growing wealth after WW2.

Sweden made BANK during and after World War 2 by supplying Hitler with raw materials for his war machine in exchange for being left alone. And after World War 2, while the rest of Europe was decimated, Sweden was booming with a trained workforce and an intact manufacturing base.

So wealth is almost certainly one of the reasons. But I would not discount the death of organized religion as a contributing factor. In Sweden, going to church is seen as the intellectual equivalent of losing a war to Poland. Swedes (and me) share a mix of embarrassment and horror when politicians in America use the G word in speeches and Presidents like Reagan and GW Bush mention publicly that they talk to God.

What are the benefits of living in a country like Sweden? It is against the law to beat children, jobs are so cush you get a month off per year and get this... you get paid MORE FOR VACATION TIME than you do when you are working (I'd like to see someone suggest that in the States) and wait, there's more... socialized medicine, free higher education, permanent unemployment benefits, and more.

Despite its industrial base, Sweden ranks amongst the best countries in terms of clean air, water, and recycling. Rumor has it you can drink out of Lake Mälaren that encircles Stockholm. I've swallowed water swimming in that lake but I personally wouldn't want to drink it on purpose. That being said... the rest of the world could learn alot from studying this place.

Just remember to separate the green bottles from the clear bottles or they might revert and cut your nuts off.

Lazy Twatting Bastard Me

Okay Linda and I are leaving our apartment for the big move in two weeks and we haven't even begun to sell our stuff yet.

We have of course planned our trip to Hawaii very carefully. But now we might decide to go to Peru instead. Peru has all those cool Inca ruins and there are less bloody Americans there. But our main concern is that the drinks might cost too much. Peru is more third world and thus we can expect to get dollar beers wherever we go.

The alcohol price factor reminds me of the weekend trips Kyle and I used to take from our University days in Paris. We had spare Eurail tickets left over from the summer, and very limited funds. Every couple of weeks, we broke out the tattered collection of pages that remained from our Let's Go Europe book and researched where the beer was cheapest. Germany always won. So we would head East for a couple nights of drinking out in the beer halls. We hit Munich three times. In our defense, we also got to Salzberg, Austria once.

The preparation for moving is going extremely badly. If we don't get on the mf right away, we have to THROW EVERYTHING WE OWN AWAY. I guess that's okay. It's what I normally do when I move overseas. Every time I go I think I'm never coming back. This time its probably true.

The good news is, we still have saved up enough money to be alright. Two working people with no kids or Class A drug habits can do quite well in The States. We live downtown Seattle, eat out all the time, own a car, cable tv, broadband Internet access, and all that jazz.

The only question remaining is: What the fuck am I going to do in Stockholm for work besides write this blog and finish my second novel? I don't know. Fuck it. I'll figure something out. Teach English and start a mail order business to make money in the long term. Maybe open a bar.

Every country I have been to so far has a couple things that are amazingly cheap. In Germany its lager and sausages. In France, its bread, wine, and stinky soft cheese. In Spain it's tapas and sangria. In England its pints and chips. I am still trying to find out what's cheap in Sweden. . . I think its knäckebröd (crispy bread) and bulk candy. At least that's better than America, where its fast food and ammunition.

17 days to go. . .